#43: "Comfortable Shorts"

We've all done it. We've all stood there for what seems like an eternity. We've stared into things seen and things we think we've seen and known both what we should do and what we should not do. The mirror is such an unforgiving thing.

I freely admit that I have body image issues. I think that most people are on a spectrum of not loving the way they look to themselves, and thus how they feel about themselves. Over the years it's been both better and worse for me, and these days it's just not fun anymore.

I think I was most happiest with my body at the end of my undergrad career. In my last year at W&M I was convinced by the woman I was dating at the time to take a stage combat class. I wasn't then (and still am not) much of an actor, but it seemed like fun and honestly after five years of college I was still looking for my social group and sense of belonging. I lost forty-five pounds that semester - I was doing three hour physical workout classes three days a week, had drastically changed my diet to vegetarianism, and the weight melted off. Pictures of me at the end of that year show me in terribly baggy clothes that fit very poorly because I was too poor to buy new ones. I felt good and alive. And in the end, the class wasn't even official - no credit.

I'm pretty sure the worst I felt was my last year in Tallahassee. That part of grad school had turned into a massive bait and switch, and by my second year I was very unhappy with my free education. I still don't know why I didn't leave for something else. Instead, I turned inward to the few things that made me happiest - food and drink. My clothes weren't fitting well. I wasn't very active, though I did attempt to join a soccer league in Tally after having to get permission for how to spend my free time. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was the first time I realized I was having difficulty bending over to tie my shoes from a seated position. It was a little scary, and it changed the next few years of my life.

These days I think a lot of it is just in my head. I know I should be more active, but I'd like to see any of you be overly active with a one year old. I know things will change, and while I'm not happy to simply wait I think I might be even less happy if I try and force it. I just get up every day thinking that I look something less than flattering in whatever I'm wearing, be it shorts and a t-shirt or a dress shirt and jeans. Nothing feels comfortable.

Well, almost nothing feels comfortable. I have one pair of shorts that I really love. They're from Old Navy (back when they made clothes that were worth a little something). They're these tan painters shorts made from a heavy canvas material. They've been with me for a very long time - probably a decade - and they're dying. They won't make it to another summer. Yet they are one of the things that I think I fit best in. They are just an article of clothing, but I will be sad to see them go.

I won't see them in the mirror anymore; they'll get replaced with an inferior article of clothing that I already don't want to stare at. I hope it's a bit more forgiving.